Bangkok and Boats

I was on the plane to Bangkok with Matt. The plane was more like a bus, and we were sitting at the very front with huge windows so we could see all the scenery. We took off from San Francisco and shot straight into the air to avoid getting stuck in the clouds. The views were incredible: deep blue oceans, huge mossy rock formations, beautiful golden temples... I tried to take as many pictures as I could with my phone. I later was upset with myself for not taking videos instead, as the footage could have made a really cool short film. We had paid more to ride Singapore Airlines, and I was quite pleased we had.

We got to the hotel and we had to act fact to get a private room. All the other rooms were filled with a patchwork of beds meant for multiple people, but our room just had one. I opened the safe to find a fold-down, metal toilet and a tiny metal cubby hole meant for showering. I wasn't too jazzed about it but I figured I could make do.

*****

I was going to a presentation with my coworkers about a new ocean liner with a shatter-proof front cabin. One of our conference rooms at work had been all decked out, and I congratulated my Operations coworker on his festive and alive lighting scheme. There was a cake there in the shape of a ship. I could see the real thing from the window and thought it looked nice-- unsinkable, in fact-- but before I got too excited about it I reminded myself that that's what they said about the Titanic too, and we all know how that worked out. Plus cruise ships are not doing so well right now.

Imminent attack

There's an army advancing on my house in Duluth. I see them from the window in my parents' room and rush to hide. My first thought is to try the closets, but I later decide that they're too obvious a choice and decide to go to the attic, which is accessed from a door in my little brother's room, instead. I'm shocked by how large it is; it's much larger than I remember it being. I set to work slicing an old mattress in half and carving out a body-shaped hole in the foam, as well as some breathing  holes. I've just climbed in when I realize that the soldiers will probably slash through the mattress with their machetes, since they always do that.

On learning to compromise

I was having lunch with Anna, telling her about my Woes of the Week.

"He wants a sectional," I said. "A big, fatty, leather sectional. It will totally overwhelm the space. And I stick to leather in the summer. If there's one thing I know, it's that I didn't buy a house just to stick to the gigantic leather couch in the summer."

This wasn't the only design disagreement we'd been having. I pinned long and hard to come up with a color scheme I was totally in love with for what I'm calling Salon Neenuh. It involves light blue-green walls, neutral fabric furniture and blue and coral accents. He would prefer dark colors, like gray and brown and navy.

This really shouldn't surprise me any more, after nearly six years of being together. I first learned of our taste gulf when we were registering for wedding presents, and I was head over heels for a teal china pattern with BIRDS on it, and he wanted white with a single silver circle. I wanted the bold apple green mixer and he was adamant that we stick to the classic red or white. I wanted bright-bright-bright linens and he wanted brown. I married a monster.

And, I told Anna, he's desperate for a dog. I ticked off the reasons I don't want one:

• The vet bills. Dogs inevitably get ring worm and then cancer and then you have to pay for dog chemo and we just bought a house and how could we possibly afford that.
• The poop. Once you buy a dog you are then responsible for every piece of poop that comes out of its body.
• The shedding. I just spent an entire evening vacuum up the little white hairs the previous owners' best friend left EVERYWHERE-- like, they were even in the bathtub. 
• The noise. What if Pup decides my brother smells weird and it yaps its head off every time he comes over? Sam is related by blood (at least that's what we've been told); I can't just ban him from our house.
• The jealousy. What if we have a baby and then the dog gets jealous because we're not giving it enough attention and then it climbs into baby's crib and sits on baby's face AND KILLS OUR BABY?
• The poop. What if it's a fraidy-dog and I drop something because dropsy and it makes a loud noise and then the dog poops itself on our huge leather sectional?

Anna patiently refuted all my points and told me that I would love being a pet mama and that it would be great practice for being a real mama and that she would be our dog-sitter forever and always amen. And then she had a stroke of genius. I care about the furniture. Matt cares about the dog. I should use dog ownership as a bargaining chip to get him to cede decision-making capabilities.

Reader, that's what I did. And it totally worked. I look forward to inviting you to our humble abode this summer, where the yard will be poop-filled and the couches will be stick-free.

Hocus Pocus

I was in Paris. There was a carnival. I saw some people I knew, but I pretended I hadn't seen them because I didn't want to talk to them. I hopped a train so I could go back to the airport and fly home, and as I looked back at the city scape the lights from all the rides were really beautiful so I tried taking some photos. They were all blurry. As I turned to face forward, people flying broomsticks were lobbing bombs at the ground. I knew they were part of the rebel army. They dropped one bomb on the train tracks and the train skidded for awhile but eventually came to a halt. I scrambled off the top of the train, where I had been sitting, and took shelter in the wall of candy to my right. I came upon a small child and I scooped out a container of Mike and Ikes so she could hide too. The rebel soldiers came through the train tracks carrying machine guns. I was really worried they'd want a snack and would discover us.

*****

I was at a lock-in in my high school and we settled into our lockers to sleep for the night. The three witches from Hocus Pocus flew through the hallway and sang the "Come Little Children" song. A 6-year-old girl was lured out of her locker to follow them. My perspective switched to that girl. When I looked around me everyone's eyes were stars.

Poorly planned trip

My parents decided they wanted my younger brother and sister and me to go on a trip. The plan was to fly to Canada and then go on to Iceland and France. They were down in the Cities visiting my aunt and I was at my parents' in Duluth. We were going back and forth about how we were going to get to the airport and what tickets we should buy. Finally it was decided I would drive them. I was very worried about not getting to the airport on time, but a short way down the road I encountered the Mall of America, where I met my sibs. I was very angry about doing this trip with them since there had barely been any planning. I asked them if they even had any money saved up and they said no. I parked in long term parking and struggled in the rain to get all our luggage out while the sibs scampered off to Neighbor Lynn's house, which would connect to the airport. I had to take the backseat of the van out, and another car knocked into it. I tried to motion to my sister through the window that she should come out and help me, but Lynn had just served her breakfast. I was enraged.

Intolerance

I was in a house with some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They were old and wheezy.

I went out to the street and worked on my job review. I wrote it almost like a novel. It started raining and it all smeared.

I picked up a copy of the Picante Times and saw that I had written an article in it. It made me proud to see my byline again. A homeless man started yelling at me about what I had written and I ran away.

I was back in my high school. A current authority figure was my teacher. She told me I would have to stay out of her class today-- her mother was going to visit and she would be offended there was a Jew in class. I was stunned speechless. Later that day I passed her on the crowded stairs in between classes and she reminded me not to come to her class. "I'm Jewish, everyone!" I yelled. "I'm Jewish!" I immediately regretted my outburst and feared the repercussions. She caught up with me and took me into an empty classroom to explain that she wasn't prejudiced, but she had to respect her mom. I burst into tears and told her how terribly offended and furious I was about the situation. I told her there was no way her mom would ever even know I was Jewish unless she told her. She disagreed; my nose gave it away. She tried to make me feel better by telling me she wasn't allowing Walter in class, either-- on account of his homosexuality. "Walter isn't gay!" I shouted. "I went on a few dates with him and college and I can guarantee he is at least bisexual!"

Nostalgia

I was back on the U of M campus. I had one more task to complete before I could leave-- a sort of final: I had to fry a slab of beef on the sidewalk by Northrup. Karlee called to say she was done with her article so I went over to the Daily to edit it. Jim was furious that I would usurp his powers as her editor and break the chain of command. I told him I could break the chain of command whenever I wanted to. He got violent, and I used the moves I learned in my self defense class to beat him back. I used a desk for leverage and launched both of my heeled boots into his gut. I ran down the stairs yelling that he was a pervert.

I was trying to get home and used the "M" bridge by my old apartment building to get to University Avenue and try to catch a bus. I glanced at the cityscape from that vantage and felt sad that I wouldn't be able to have my wedding pictures there. I hopped on an open-top Campus Connector and we sped down frat row. I was holding a giant red exercise ball that was annoying the guy sitting in front of me.

I got off the bus when I saw signs for the No. 4 bus stop and ran into Bryce. He didn't see me so I tapped him on the shoulder. He was shocked that I was there, but had to run off to finish his finals. He left before I could tell him Matt and I were engaged. The 4D (for Denver) bus rolled up and I boarded, thinking how convenient it was that there was a bus that went all the way from the U of M to my apartment in Portland.

Katrina in an airport

I was in a airport terminal right by an ocean while a hurricane came in. There was a wall of just windows, so to protect ourselves we dragged a bunch of cars in from outside and lined them up against the windows. It was nighttime. We could barely see the gigantic waves cresting, but once they got high enough they smashed through the windows and their force pushed the cars toward the wall where we were cowering. It was a bad idea. I escaped to a side room where there were two poles I could hoist myself up on. A friend was with me, and I offered her one of the poles. George Clooney walked in, looking like a very old man. I patted his face and told him it was going to be alright. He left to go outside and stand on one of the craggy rocks on the beach. He wanted to die.

I realized that before the storm I had hoarded a bunch of food, sneakily taping it into the tire swing at the bottom of my pole and into a high shelf in the back room. I praised myself for being so smart because I knew it would be a long time before I could go grocery shopping again.

*This dream brought to you by Treme, a preview for Hoarders, and the airport scenes from Little People, Big World*

Taking a Gamble

I was at a casino with my family. The first game I played was similar to one Nyakouth really liked at Chuckie Cheese, where you drop a ball onto a spinning wheel and you get the number of tickets marked on the place your ball drops. My ball dropped on the $1 million. I was shocked because I never ever win anything. My first thought was that I was going to be able to buy an iPhone, which made me so happy.

Bundles of cash popped out of the machine, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t have any pockets or a purse, so I raced around the casino looking for my mom with the cash in my hand. A gang of girl bullies saw my loot and wanted to try to steal it from me, but I was able to escape from them.

When I finally caught up with my parents, I looked more closely at the bills I had in my hand and realized that it totaled $10,000 at most. I went to find the general manager to get the rest of my money, but he insisted $10,000 was all I needed. I argued with him that it was totally unfair to not give me what I had won, but he wouldn’t relent.

I was worried about winning this money because I thought it would make me addicted to gambling.

Giant butt-biting caterpillers

I was cleaning the bathroom in preparation for my friends coming over. I got on my knees to clean under the toilet and saw a mess of webs and a giant, six-inch technicolor green caterpillar. I was sure that this was the source of the bite I had on my face. I freaked out and called in Matt to take care of it. His bright idea was to repeatedly throw the creature against the wall till it died. Each hit left a bright green stain on the wall.

When in doubt, hide in the crisper

Matt and I were driving around downtown Portland at night in a red convertible. We kept hearing gunfire, and instead of putting the top of the car up Matt and I would bend over to avoid the bullets. At some point we knew the gangsters were coming after us. Matt dropped me off at my office and I hid behind the stairwell so no one could see me. Some of the gangsters went into the building and were unable to find me.

When I was sure they were gone I went up the stairs and found a secret passageway, which in the dream was Oregon Children's Museum but was really The Depot in Duluth. I wound along the balconies and passageways, trying to ensure that no one would see me. I concluded that the best place to hide would be in the kitchen.

Hours had passed and more people were filing into the area. Some started to recognize me from TV reports about how I was missing, even though I had artfully wrapped a blue towel around my face. A few were sympathetic to my plight and offered to help me. One person ushered me into the museum's kitchen and told me the perfect place to hide would be the vegetable crisper. He or she removed the contents to give me room, and then arranged bananas, apples and potatoes over me and closed the door.

Diane Arbus

My legs were covered in white fur that pulled off really easily. I yanked out huge swaths of it and discovered my legs were dark purple underneath. Mortified, I vowed never to go that long without shaving again.

***

Matt and I were driving to his dad's house in Iowa. We stopped at a gas station in southern Minnesota. The cashier tried to imply Matt was gay because all he bought was an energy drink and a map of Iowa-- no porn. I overheard another girl there talking to the cashier about her boyfriend's addiction to child porn. She was planning on calling the police to raid him.

A few minutes later we got to a large city that Matt said was Des Moines. I hadn't remembered it being that close to the MN border. He pointed out that the river was low because there had a been a drought. The drought was hurting his family's farm. He pulled off to the side of the road so I could drive. The gas pedal disappeared and was replaced by a foot treadmill, which you had to run on to make the car go anywhere. We slowly trudged up the hill as I attempted to run as fast as I could. When we crested we picked up speed and I started driving like I usually do in dreams: I had no control of the car and we repeatedly came within inches of accidents.

Antebellum awesomeness

My siblings, mom and aunt were traveling in a rickety open-air mini bus up a dirt road in Georgia to the place we'd be staying. My mom and her sister were bickering the whole time. We pulled up to an enormous plantation house that had turrets like a castle. The inside was painted in corals and mint greens, and I thought to myself how ugly I'd consider it if it weren't so old. Mom exclaimed about how absolutely lovely it was-- so masculine. I didn't get it.

We climbed a huge curving staircase to go to our rooms, and I tried to imagine fancy ladies maneuvering up and down it with their hoop skirts. The first room we went into had a pretty boring white lacy bed for my mom and aunt. It had an door leading to the room I would share with my older brother. It had one glorious pink bed and another semi-OK blue bed, and it was clear who would be sleeping where. The room was huge and filled with light. A staircase led up to yet another room, this one festooned with green velour furniture, where my little brother would stay. I explored my room's nooks and crannies, and was over the moon to discover that there were still Scarlett-esque dresses in the closet.

Divas

My boss and I decided that she would have me go to the opera in the morning and write a report about it instead of going into the office. She was planning on seeing the same show that evening. I think it was Fidelio.

I had excellent seats near the front. During the second act, one of the female singers came into the audience and tried to convince me to get up on stage and dance with her. I insisted that I was extremely awkward and would probably fall down but she wouldn't take no for an answer. She pulled me on stage. She took my right hand and pulled me toward her so our fronts were together, and then pulled my backward so our backs were together. It was a very easy move, but I kept losing the rhythm and stumbling.

Up in the control room, one of the divas was watching me and seething because I was "stealing her best move."

The next morning I went to the office to present to my boss my eight-page report. I know I showed it to her but it got lost between all of my various drafts. She got upset with me for showing her anything but the finished product so I rushed back to my desk to go through the numerous papers I had in my arms to try to find it. Right then the office coordinator came in to tell me about some hand modeling jobs she thought I should apply for. I was scared my boss was going to start to yell at me so I ignored her and ran back to my desk. I sifted through mountainous piles of documents and couldn't find my final draft for the life of me. I searched my computer for "opera" but couldn't find anything there. I couldn't remember if I'd written it at home or at work.

The office coordinator interrupted me again to ask me to be a foster parent to a girl who had just wandered into our waiting room. She had her face painted like a cat. I said that I guessed I could while I continued to frantically sift through papers. Before we could introduce ourselves to each other she left.

Nostalgia

I was on campus riding a bike that had special tracking powers. You could put in the four digit code of the building you wanted to go to and it would automatically steer you there. I put in the same code I saw someone else use and took off. I attempted to steer against its intended path but found it impossible. I was riding on the sidewalk, and I wondered if I was going to get in trouble for not riding it in the bike lane instead.

I ended up at the Daily. I thought maybe I should have called before coming, but I had intended to visit anyway so I thought now was a good a time as ever. A female reporter was having trouble with an interview she'd done with Drew Barrymore. She had done the interview via email, which I frowned upon. She wanted to know if she should just do straight Q-and-A or try to weave in some information about Drew's travels. I recommended the latter. I took a look at the copy and was horrified to see that the reporter kept exclaiming, "OH, BARRY!!!!!!!!!!!" after nearly everything Drew said. So unprofessional.

I went downstairs to say hi to Vadim. He asked my opinion on something and it felt good to know that my opinion still had value there.

An evening with Parse

I was in a gas station. We set up chairs to watch the TV, which had groups of scantily clad female dancers about to play football. Rachel Maddow was the attendant there. I was helping her set up, and she asked me if I ever listened to her radio show (which she was about to do live from the gas station). I told that honestly, I hadn't, but that I watched her video podcast every day. She was upset that I didn't listen to the radio show, so to butter her up I told her my favorite part of her TV show was when she interviewed people who didn't know what they were talking about and she hit them back with, "What about this? What about this???" She looked like she had just come from taping her show-- she had a lot of make up on.

I was settling into my chair, ready to watch the football game when Jake P. walked into the store. I was so excited to see him and rushed up to him to give him a hug. We left the gas station together and went walking along a long hallway. We turned into a room that was usually used by a bear trapper. I busied myself sewing a shirt more securely to a giant stuffed bear while Jake slept. The trapper's alarm clock awoke him with Israeli music. We both jumped up and started doing Israeli dancing around the room.

He peeked out the door to ascertain no one was coming and then ran across the hallway/road to a tex-mex restauarant. There were a lot of chiles roasting on a huge grill in the front. Jake decided he was going to try to work there. He started filling out their application while I inspected their ready-made sandwiches. Some of them, like the roast beef and horseradish, were priced at $17. Others, like the Oregon Special, were priced at $4. I opted for the latter.

Home invasion and boss evasion

I was in the house of a family I used to babysit for, except with a wider staircase, and it was my house. I was there with two siblings. A man and later a woman repeatedly tried to get up the stairs, evidently to murder us, and we had to try to fight them back. I flipped the woman over the railing.

***

I knelt on my bed facing the headboard and started taking a shower with a nearby hose. "This is weird," I thought to myself. "Do I always do this? Don't I get the bed really wet? Won't Matt get mad at me?" I got dressed and drove to the mall. It was 8 in the morning but it was bustling. I made my way over to Macy's, where I wanted to look at some dresses. First I had to wander through the kids' floor, where the cashiers were dressed as if they worked at Wal-Mart. Disgusted, I gave up and went back to the car. I parked it several blocks away from the apartment and called my boss as I walked home. I told her I was too sick to come into work-- I had a sore throat, chills, fever and body aches. She asked why there was so much traffic in the background. I lied and told her I had just been to the store to pick up medication.

Must... have... coat

This one's from two nights ago, so the deets are a bit fuzzy: I flew into New York and was planning to take the Subway to a movie theater to meet Anna. The train didn't have a clear explanation of what stops were coming up, and I was concerned I was in the wrong one. Just to be sure, I stayed in one a stop longer than I should have. I had to cross the tracks to back-track, and then I realized I had no idea what train number I had been on in the first place, and the train I got on could very well be headed someplace else entirely. I took the risk and went one stop. I walked and walked through the tunnels, before coming to a grand, carpeted staircase lined with movie posters. Anna was waiting for me.

I was in DC, I think, again to visit Anna. I quietly put my bags in her apartment (she was sleeping) and went into a mall area that was attached. Most of the stores were closing down, but Anthropologie, where I really wanted to be, was still open. I browsed through the sales rack and considered buying sweaters even though it was summer. Then I saw it. The most perfect coat I had ever seen in my life. It was a combination of my two winter coats-- thigh-length raspberry red felt with a hood and toggle closures, and thick enough to withstand Minnesota winters. I checked the price. It was $100 off-- down to $44.50. I knew it had to be mine. Anna came into the store and I tried on the coat for her. She agreed. It was perf. So I whipped out my credit card.

Sites and trains

I'm hanging out with Perez Hilton, the gossip blogger, and charming his socks off. He's about to hire a cadre of employees to help him run the site while he takes on various other projects. I'm applying for the animal reporter position. "You do understand that I would be writing pure snark because I'm not a huge animal fan, right? Is that OK?" I ask him. "OK??? That's PERFECT!" he said.

I'm in Paris with my parents. We're trying to get to a castle called Rouilly, which is near the Bois du Bologna. I'm getting frustrated with trying to direct them, because they don't believe in my metro navigating skills. And, unfortunately, I've left my guide book, along with the Victoria's Secret bag containing a bottle of water, a jacket and an umbrella, in another train. I was pretty sure the guidebook said the castle was only open from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturdays, and it's nearing noon. I manage to find some information about it on a map in the station, but just says it's open from "Atlantic time to Pacific time." Does that mean three hours? My parents decide it means all day. I have frequent freak-out fits at them. I tell my mom to remind me to call my friend Marcy that night to hang out since she lives in Paris. I'm worried I'll be too tired to call her.